Ashland Oregon Councilman Stephen Jensen Honored by Cognitive Himpairment Society

Toni Buckley Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager;

Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl

email: fwepub@aol.com

www.fuchsiawoman.com/blog

MOTTO: When telling the truth is a revolutionary act. 

All editorial     All social commentary    All for the common good

 Issue Number 40  –  October 3, 2020

 

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Note from the Publisher: The Outlandia Gazette is an individually-owned one-person operation and not associated with any person or persons/organization/animal/plant/mineral/deity/or political affiliation.

Note from anyone’s common sense region of the brain: When a satire article is written about Michael Cohen interviewing Tonya Graham, the article is about her. It is not about anyone else or any other campaign other than Tonya Graham’s. If one fails to understand this elementary concept–and sends out an email to a huge bunch of people associating a Gazette article with anyone’s campaign, that qualifies as cognitive impairment.  If this erroneous assumption is made by an old-thinking white guy, that constitutes “cognitive himpairment” — and just might win the guy accolades from the Cognitive Himpairment Society.

Another note from anyone’s common sense region of the brain: When an old-thinking white guy named Rosenthal writes a letter to The Tidings and praises someone for her work on climate issues that “makes her eminently suited to make Ashland a national leader…” and her business/climate organization is failing big time (how many lay-offs?), it makes the letter-writer look hopelessly cognitively impaired — in addition to the entire letter of praise being so much muddled gobbledygook that even Ashland’s super-duper and costly wastewater treatment plant couldn’t handle the stench or excremental overflow.

Public Service Announcement from the Association of Real Professors:  To the attention of Southern Oregon University. Please stop allowing Dennis Slattery and Richard Rosenthal to refer to themselves as “professors” in their resumes. They do not hold doctoral degrees. They are mere instructors. It’s hard enough to earn a living and put food on the table to feed our giant egos without being lumped into the same category as these lump-heads. Thank you.

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Setting: A smoky restaurant in Lobotomia, USA called the Man Cave Bunker-Bar-B-Q Joint. A large white male with marbles rattling in his head takes the stage.

“Greetings Himpaired Guys! How y’all doing? Getting dumber by the minute? I hear ya! In case you have forgotten–and I’m sure quite a number of you have–I’m Bud Dudd, Master of Ceremonies for tonight’s festivities. It is my pleasure to welcome you to the Cognitive Himpairment Excellent Extraordinary Society’s Annual Dinner. Shortly we will announce our greatest honor: Man of the Year.”

“But first–and this is a first–I received a visit at CHEES headquarters from this dude named Zeus. He said his wife made him issue a warning to us because we always ignore women and wouldn’t pay attention to her. Whatever. Have no idea what he’s talking about. The gist was that our group, CHEES, even though we fully admit that we are himpaired, must get our facts straight before we jump on-line and spread false stuff. OK–there it is. Do with it what you want. But Zeus did say, “Don’t make me come back here again!” And even through my mentally fogged up brain, I could tell he was an intimidating SOB–scary otherworldly bro.”

 

 

“Back to the fun stuff. Before I make the grand announcement for our Man of the Year, I will regale you some of his achievements while you are partaking of the fine vittles at this joint. I recommend the PigHeaded Platter. We CHEESers usually compile a Top Ten List. But this year’s guy is so brilliantly himpaired, we had to go with a Top Fifteen List. And please, as much as you want to hoop and holler along the way, please hold your applause for the end.”

Number 1: In 1812, lost an arm-wrestling challenge with Napoleon Bonaparte over naming rights to the “Short Stature Malady” — now called a Napoleon Complex. Was not really upset that the pudgy general beat him in the contest. He was most perturbed that he didn’t get a pastry named after him.

 

 

(Another Note from the Publisher: Interesting factoid– The “short stature” in this psychological impairment has nothing to do with height. It refers instead to the size of one’s moral backbone.)

Number 2: In 1884, 1900, 1906, 1908, and 1910 voted against the Women’s Right to Vote in Oregon. The ballot measure failed these five times. Jensen missed the vote in 1912 when he returned to school to learn how to count.

Number 3: In 1912, was the shuffleboard maintenance guy in charge of counting the number of lifeboats needed for all the passengers on the Titanic. OOPS!

 

 

Number 4: In 1949 was the original model for J. Quincy Magoo in the Mr. Magoo animated cartoons.

Number 5: In 1962 turned down the opportunity to purchase ten shares of Berkshire Hathaway stocks for $76. Today’s value: $3.4 million. Claims he needed the dough to buy more hoses for his Ashland, Oregon “water wrangling” operations–hosing the system at the expense of taxpayers.

 

 

Number 6: In 1972 the Watergate Burglary Scandal was named after his company: Water Burglary Enterprises.

Number 7: In 2017 when he was appointed City Councilman in Ashland, Oregon–through a Strombergian Shambolic Shenanigan of a rigged procedure–he showed up for his first meeting in Ashland, Kentucky. On his second try he ended up in Ashland, Ohio.

 

 

He finally made it to the correct location on his third try–after Steffi Seffinger (one of Ashland’s ‘Always-Vote-With-the-Old-Thinking-White-Males’ Councilwomen) gave him a ride.

Number 8: In 2018 in an election debate forum at a church in Ashland recited a Mark Twain quote making fun of people telling lies. Standard operating procedure for a himpaired politician. Then predicted a positive future for Ashland when he said, “We got this!” Turned out to be a lie. Also SOP for a himpaired politician.

Number 9: Is known as a “Mud Monster” for his political style. He rolls around in the dirt–then siphons off Ashland water to create mud–then smears it on as many people as he doesn’t like.

 

 

Number 10: Wishes he was as good looking as his evil twin, Mitch McConnell–and as devious, too.

 

 

 

Number 11: Like his buddy Mayor John Stromberg (2018’s CHEES Man of the Year), often gets mistaken for a lawn gnome–not in looks, but in brain power.

 

 

Number 12: Agrees with his buddy Councilman Rich Rosenthal (2019’s CHEES Man of the Year) that a “Graham Cracker” is a racial slur.

 

 

[And another note from the Publisher: Time for the lawn gnome to read his buddy’s letter from the Gazette’s attorney.]

Number 13: Agrees with his buddy Councilman Dennis Slattery (1st runner-up for this year’s CHEES Man of the Year) that Tonya Graham is an independent thinker and a forward-thinking and inspiring person–and a whole bunch of other ridiculous stuff in Slattery’s himpaired letter to The Tidings (October 1, 2020).

“Honestly, guys, I gotta say when I read that letter, even I thought, ‘Whoa–Slattery is off his dementia meds again!’ A huge round of applause for Den-Den going commando!”

(Clap clap clap. Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz…)

Number 14: Agrees with his buddy Parks Commissioner Michael Black (last year’s CHEES runner up) that rebranding Lithia Park as an “Authentic Japanese Cemetery” is a fantastic marketing idea. He said, “Just think of the ghouls it will attract! Just think how many seance and satanic ritual tickets we could sell! Would make more money on our ghost story than that dopey play the Oregon Shakespeare Festival sells tickets for!”

 

 

Number 15: His slogan for life–which he claims he learned from his best buddy of all–President Hair Himpairment:

Scam! Sham! BAM!!

“Whew! As you will agree, that is one of the most outstanding lists of accomplishments ever. Without further ado, please join me in saluting tonight’s honoree, 2020 CHEES Man of the Year: Stephen Jensen. YAY!! Stephen–c’mon up here and get your trophy. And the rest of you guys, get woke!”

(Lots of applause. Lots of snoring.)

“No acceptance speech this year. Stephen looks a little–well, himpaired. So, in closing, a special thanks to Ashland, Oregon, where the number of himpaired peeps is astounding. We’re sure to find our 2021 winner there, too. No no, Stephen, don’t wander away. Steffi is coming to take you home. And for the rest of the CHEES Clan, thanks for coming, good night, and good pharmaceuticals.”

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P.S. In an unrelated event, after Jensen announced his run for re-election for City Council in 2022, he was finally bestowed with a pastry named for his essence.

 

 

A stale crusty cream puff called the “Puffed-Up Politician.“

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Next up: How the Secrecy, Hypocrisy, and Himpathy by Ashland’s City Hall Is Destroying the Town

Preview: A $2000 political donation that caused Rich Rosenthal, Dennis Slattery, and Tonya Graham to become unglued (as well as others behind the scenes) — while a $1.2 million donation to turn nature’s spiritual vibe in Lithia Park into a “death memorial” (with bamboo tombstones?) and without the consent of Ashland’s citizens who own Lithia Park — received nary a squawk.

Stay tuned…