Toni Buckley Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager;
Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
email: fwepub@aol.com
www.fuchsiawoman.com/blog
MOTTO: When telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
All editorial All social commentary All for the common good
Issue Number 42 – October 12, 2020
********************
Note from the Publisher: How to debunk a false claim on the Internet: The Truth.
Last week Ashland became engulfed in yet another scandal–like SeniorCenterGate; WhistleblowerGate; and Admiral’sFenceGate. The latest is called PostcardGate — a faux political mailing about Shaun, a candidate for City Council. The Shaun-Sham postcard is anonymously written; listed a fake PAC; and anonymously mailed to residents.
The supposed writer in the return address is “Hugh Beaumont,” a non-existent resident. Peeps have been guessing as to the true identity of the author–everyone from Stephen King’s incarcerated third cousin to Kimberly Guilfoyle. A woman from Ashland posted on the NextDoor website that I wrote it. So embarrassing for her — to reveal that low level of intellect and high level of falsehood — as her bold-faced claim is not true.
Proof:
1. Makes no sense. Why would I donate $1,000 to Shaun’s campaign to support his candidacy and then turn around and slam him in a postcard? If I wanted to mis-spend $1000 on something, I would buy 3 pairs of Fluevogs instead.
2. The postcard is badly written. I do not write badly.
3. The postcard is not funny. I write funny.
4. The postcard author thinks that what is written is satire–a legally protected form of speech. The postcard does meet the legal definition of satire. I write correct satire.
5. The postcard author has chosen to be anonymous. I never write anything anonymously.
6. The postcard author has willfully chosen to engage in postal and election fraud. I am not a criminal.
7. The fake name/fake return address on the postcard–Hugh Beaumont at 385 Mapleton Drive–is associated with the TV show Leave It To Beaver. I was not a fan of the show. I thought the mother was a doormat and wore dopey dresses. Besides, I pick better pop culture references.
To further debunk the false claim from the Ashland woman (assuming someone with a name of Linda is female), I called on my former flame from my L.A. days, Lt. Frank Columbo.
Being the great guy that he is–not to mention an amazing detective–he was happy to investigate this crime. Take it away, Frankie!
Columbo: “There’s something that bothers me. I was not able to determine if the person making the false claim–Linda Peterson Adams–is 100% human or part gadfly–someone who can morph into an annoying insect at will. But I did confirm her evil twin is Gladys Kravitz.”
“Believe me, they look identical. I had heard a rumor about a fly infestation in Salt Lake City, Utah during the Vice-Presidential debate–since flies are attracted to political poop. I flew into town to investigate. Here is the photo of the one that landed on Mike Pence’s head.”
“I was able to confirm that this gadfly is an alternate persona of Linda Peterson Adams. And just one more thing. The best way to rid a town of its pest problem is with a really big fly swatter. They are on sale at Ace Hardware.”
Thanks, buddy. To Ashlanders: The next time you hear an annoying buzzing sound, just shoo it away.
Which brings us to today’s explosive article: Solving PostcardGate.
We at the Gazette have put together an internationally renown consortium of detectives to collect evidence and identify the mysterious and devious author. They are:
Team Captain: Veronica Mars from the Mars Detective Agency, Neptune, California.
Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote, Cabot Cove, Maine.
Precious Ramotswe from the No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency book series by Alexander McCall Smith, Gaborone, Botswana.
Marge Gunderson from Fargo and Minneapolis PD.
Sherlock Holmes from Baker Street, London, England.
Encyclopedia Brown’s little brother Apollo Brown, boy detective book series, from Idaville, USA.
Adrian Monk, from TV and former police officer, San Francisco, California.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau from the movies, Paris, France
SCENE: Outdoor patio at Hearsay Restaurant on a mild autumn smoke-free day in Ashland. Coffee (nectar of the Gods) and chocolate creme brulée (the best in the Rogue Valley) are served. Monk takes a huge box of disinfectant towelettes and wipes down the table, chairs, food, drinks, and foliage.
Veronica: “Welcome Fellow Sleuthers! Hope you all can hear me through my triple-ply mask. So great to see all of you. I have fond memories of our last get-together–the Russian Collusion Case. So many crimes…so little time to arrest all the criminals. Who wants to present evidence first?”
Jessica: “As an English teacher, I studied the vocabulary, syntax, and writing style in the Shaun-Sham postcard. I have concluded that the maturity level is commensurate with a female tenth grader–below average I.Q. We used to classify these students with poor verbal skills as high-risk for failure. Now I think when they are all grown up they’re called Trump supporters.”
Veronica: “Excellent! How about you Marge?”
Marge: “Yah, you betcha. Definitely a female. The kind that would use a wood chipper on an enemy and blame it on the Forest Fairy. Also the kind who carries a stabbing instrument in her handbag in the event she sees an enemy’s back.”
Monk (adding a second mask): “I agree it’s a female. I can tell by the floral stamps and the girly way they are placed on the card. A male presentation would be more angular.”
Inspector Clouseau: “Mais oui. C’est une mademoiselle. Très snarky.”
Precious: “In my country we call this kind of malfeasance the work of Tikoloshe–a malevolent spirit intent on causing trouble for others. And not the good kind of trouble like my friend John Lewis devoted his life to. But the bad kind. Like character assassination.”
Veronica: “Yikes! Sherlock, you’re next.”
Sherlock: “First, would be grateful to procure a lovely cup of tea from this fine establishment. Next, I have to admit that I have been swamped with starring in so many movie and TV adaptations of my life. So I asked Scotland Yard to step in and cross-reference with Interpol to create a list of Ashlanders who benefit most from damaging the reputation of the person targeted in the postcard. And blimey was I surprised. All of them have current or past associations with City Hall!”
Veronica: “Doesn’t surprise me. Some people never graduate from a high school mindset–engaging in rumor-mongering to gain personal advantage. Monk, you really don’t need to keep cleaning the table. What did you find out?”
Monk (adding a third mask): “I followed the trail of Graham Cracker crumbs. Led me to a documentary called The Same River Twice. It’s about of a group of couples on a river rafting trip who don’t wear clothes. Believe me, nobody wants to see those people naked! And so unsanitary! And dangerous! A campfire with unprotected private parts! I had to cover my eyes and ingest an entire bottle of Pepto-Bismol to make it through the film.”
Clouseau: “Mon Dieu Adrian. So prissy. I would gaze at zee naked wimmen.”
Monk: “Sharona told me you would. Anyway, the film did provide clues. Whoever thinks it’s OK to engage in public bare-butt rock climbing is the same kind of person who thinks it’s OK to engage in public asinine behavior.”
Veronica: “Apollo, you’re the computer geek in the group. What did your data show?”
Apollo: “Plenty. Can I get another chocolate dessert? First, DNA samples collected from a batch of postcards revealed a biological profile similar to female weasel or skunk. Second, I developed a computer model–an algorithm based on language, intelligence, skill set, opportunity, experience, and bossy or bullying personality. I applied it to the entire city of Ashland–and similar outlier communities such as Washington, D.C., Gotham City, and Moscow. Your friend Mac gave me access to the Dumb Database and the Dishonest Database for these areas. Then I added in the research from our Team. Then I played Minecraft and scored 95,000 points. Then my mom brought me some snacks. Then my laptop spit out a list of suspects.”
Veronica: “Great! Let’s hear it.”
Apollo:
- Keyser Söze
- John Stromberg
- Cathy Shaw
- Cruella De Ville
- Rich Rosenthal
- Tonya Graham Cracker
- John Wilkes Boothe
- Julian Bell
- David Lohman
- Michael Cohen
- Michael Black
- Michael Gardiner
- Jeffrey Epstein
- Tina Gray
- Ivanka Trump
- Dennis Slattery
- Linda Gadfly Adams
- QAnon Candidate
- Stephen Jensen
- Jim Lewis
- Rudy Guiliani
- Stefi Seffinger
- Freddy Krueger
Apollo: “Then I factored out dead people; fictional people; those with an above-average I.Q.; and people with bigger fish to fry than the corrupt petty politics in Ashland. My list whittled down to the following four: Julian Bell; Tonya Graham Cracker; John Stromberg; Cathy Shaw. Before I factor out the ‘male’ element…”
Veronica: “We should discuss the number one factor in determining the perpetrator of any crime. Sherlock?”
Sherlock: “It’s elementary, my dear Veronica. Motivation.”
Jessica, Precious, Monk, Marge, Apollo: “Exactly!” Clouseau: “Exactement!”
Veronica: “This is the fun part. Why would anyone go to the expense and trouble of mailing the Shaun-Sham postcard? The answer is: who has the most to gain from it? Even though we know it’s most likely not a male, an association with the two male finalists could be useful. Anyone have the scoop on Julian Bell? Shaun is his main competition in the City Council election.”
Monk (adding a respirator): “Bell is a physician who took the Hyppocratic Oath: First do no harm. The postcard harms Shaun. Bell would be risking his medical career to be associated with politically repugnant high jinks. I know I wouldn’t go to a dishonest doctor. He might tell you you’re Covid-positive when you’re not!”
Apollo: “Wikipedia says Bell originally wanted to run for Mayor. But his campaign for State Senate and another one for Governor of Oregon ended in defeat so he thought he shouldn’t make such a large leap from his only government experience–a two-year stint as a Parks Commissioner. What he really wants to do is implement his Bank of Oregon idea. In the meantime, he has jumped on the “climate resilience” bandwagon for political expediency–to get along with Tonya Graham Cracker, his political ally.”
Veronica: “Nice analysis. What’s the story with lame-duck Mayor John Stromberg?”
Precious: “In my country we call these lame men FIPs–formerly important people who desperately want to still be perceived as VIPs. No matter the price to pay. Or cost to one’s integrity.”
Marge: “Yah. You betcha. They’re everywhere. Look at the disaster the world is in. Gotta ask yourself: who made it like this? In Minnesota we call it a FIP FUBAR.”
Jessica: “Stromberg is 99% self-serving ego. The 1% allowed him to be realistic enough to see that running for a fourth term for Mayor was laughable. He probably would have been pummeled with Ashlanders’ utility bills. The reason he chose Tonya Graham Cracker as his successor is because she is exactly like him: sneaky and incompetent. And maybe she would screw the pooch so bad that he would look like FDR in comparison.”
Sherlock: “Or Churchill.”
Clouseau: “Or a minkey.”
Apollo: “In a Tik-Tok video Stromberg complained that Shaun’s persistent jab at him: ‘Balance the budget!’ and ‘Quit overspending!’ was a constant thorn in his side.”
Marge: “Enough to write a negative postcard that would jeopardize his legacy as Mayor? Would be really dumb to do it. But I’ve seen plenty of dumb in my day. Like the guy in Minnesota who couldn’t get a personalized license plate so he changed his name to J3L2404.”
Veronica: “How about Tonya Graham Cracker? The postcard mentions the word ‘resilience.’ That’s Tonya’s campaign slogan.”
Jessica: “She definitely has the vindictive personality to have done it. According to Desperation Magazine, she needs to win the Mayor position to boost her Adopt-a-Neighbor program–which she is donating her left-over campaigns funds to, even though it is not a non-profit–as required by law.”
Apollo: “I hacked the bank account at her other group, Geos Institute. It’s almost broke. No paying clients. Can’t make payroll. Has driven it into the ground.”
Sherlock: “Debunks her claim of business acumen, leadership skills, and maintaining a globally-significant environmental organization.”
Monk (zipping up a Haz Mat suit): “The San Francisco Chronicle reports that Geos Institute’s President and Chief Science Officer flew the coop–taking with him the group’s main source of credibility.”
Clouseau: “No top-banana scientist? Zut alors!”
Apollo: “Or the scientist was shoved out. Along with the Spatial Analysis Program Manager. Their scientific contributions for over ten years have been scrubbed off the website.”
Precious: “The beginning of the end…when a bad animus sets in…”
Veronica: “I saw Tonya in Wal-Mart trying to bargain with a sales clerk to pay $1.00 less for a pair of flip-flops–because she wears them out so frequently in expressing her political views which change whichever way the wind blows. Don’t think she would spend a penny on postage. No matter how badly BFF Cathy Shaw wanted her to.”
Jessica: “Tonya Graham Cracker has a best friend?”
Veronica: “No. BFF in this case mean Big Foney Female.”
Precious: “The worst kind of female.”
Marge: “Yah. You betcha!”
Sherlock: “Female reasoning leaves me baffled.”
Clouseau: “Just remember liberté, égalité, fraternité.”
Precious: “Bless your little heart, Jacques. At least you’re trying.”
Veronica: “O.K. one candidate left: Cathy Shaw.”
Loud groan from the Team.
Veronica: “What? You didn’t find her a pleasant person? Me either, but let’s hear the facts.”
Monk: “Cathy Shaw is the naked rock-climbing star of the naked river rafting film.”
Jessica: “She was John Steinbeck’s inspiration for Cathy in East of Eden. My high school students loved to read about her because she scared the beejeesus out of them.”
Veronica: “She scares the crap out of me and I’m an adult!”
Marge: “Yah. You betcha Shaw hired Carrie to teach her telekinetic power. That was on Dateline.”
Precious: “She’s synonymous for master manipulator–like Eshu, the trickster.”
Sherlock: “Steinbeck’s book is required reading at Scotland Yard. For profiling purposes–someone who likes to destroy people for fun and profit.”
Apollo: “I’m glad I don’t have to read the book until eleventh grade. Maybe I can skip that class…”
Veronica: “More evidence?”
Sherlock: “Shaw is Tonya Graham Cracker’s business partner in the Adopt-a-Neighbor program. Proving the theory: Birds of a deceptive feather stick together. Like vultures.”
Jessica: “Shaw was one of the two people on-line defending the Shaun-Sham postcard–while the majority of people thought it was a nasty campaign tactic.”
Monk: “She’s Julian Bell’s political consultant. She told him to go door-to-door in the middle of a pandemic to canvas for votes. And he’s a doctor for cryin’ out loud! My God the germs!”
Clouseau: “How did you Americans get to be a world power?”
Veronica: “More evidence on Cathy Shaw?”
Sherlock: “Certified control freak. Many instances confirmed in government documents.”
Apollo: “Desperate for attention. Many instances confirmed on You Tube. Started a channel called Politicians Gone Sleazey–but it tanked. If Bell is elected, it props up Shaw’s political consulting company–which I discovered is also going kaput.”
Monk (puts on space-suit gloves): “Classic case of power addiction. Shaw used to be Mayor. Now she’s not. Still wishes she were. Pretends to be a powerful political player–just to keep her feet in City Hall. That stinky smell emanating from City Hall–Cathy Shaw’s feet.”
Jessica: “She wrote the bond text in the Voters Pamphlet for taxpayers to approve an overly-expensive upgrade to City Hall–saying a fancy building was necessary as ‘social infrastructure’ for the citizens.”
Clouseau: “Zat makes no sense, non?”
Veronica: “That’s why the bond measure failed miserably.”
Jessica: “It was Shaun’s group ACES — Ashland Citizens for Economic Stability — that opposed the passage of Cathy’s bond.”
Veronica: “Which leads us to the greatest motivation of all. Team?”
In unison: Jessica, Precious, Marge, Sherlock, Clouseau, Monk, Apollo: “REVENGE!”
Veronica: “Absolutely. Let’s vote. Based on the evidence–facts and motivation–who wrote the Shaun-Sham postcard?”
In unison: “CATHY SHAW!”
Veronica: “I totally agree. I’ll write up our report for the Gazette and send copies to Ashland P.D., the Election Commission, and the USPS Inspector General’s Office.”
Precious: “Let’s hope the arc of justice bends in the righteous direction.”
Marge: “Do you think Linda Gadfly Adams will shut up about making false statements?”
Monk: “She has the brain of an insect. Incapable of learning.”
Clouseau: “Will Cathy Shaw be run out of town the way we do in France when we uncover a scoundrel?”
Jessica: “Cathy Shaw will end up like Cathy Ames in East of Eden: rejected by good people.”
Veronica: “Her power trip will eventually run out of gas. And when like-minded BuBu’s, Graham Crackers, and sleazey politicians scram out of town with her, Ashland will thrive and prosper!”
Lots of applause.
Veronica: “Thanks for all your help, Marshmallows. A toast.”
Veronica holds up a coffee cup. “It was my pleasure to work with such an esteemed group” (Sound of clinking cups.) ” There is no one I would rather fight the bad guys with. See you at the next Famous Detectives Convention. And Apollo, don’t forget to do your homework so your mom lets you go.”
###
Outlandia Gazette
Toni Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
WOW!! Applauding