Pope Francis Delivers Sermon to Ashland Oregon City Hall Sinners

 Issue Number 46  –  October 29, 2020

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“The bald-faced mendacity, distortion…is stunning and cannot stand.” – Councilman Stephen Jensen in an email to Ashland Oregon council members recommending condemnation of an on-line satirical article about Ashland Oregon city government.

“Once a government is committed to the principle of silencing the voice of opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of increasingly repressive measures until it becomes a source of terror for all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear.” – Harry S. Truman

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For immediate release: Epistle from Pope Francis, The Vatican

Dear Ashland Oregon City Hall Elected Officials, Employed Officials, and Assorted Accomplices:

You are members of the human race and need to be reminded of this fact. Especially in these depraved and destitute times, we need more humanity–not less.

Last night I had a dream: My soulmates and I were sitting at a table at the Caffetteria Ristorante Le Terrazze–sipping cappuccinos and commiserating on the dreadful state of affairs around the world.

Bertie Einstein stated:

“The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of people who are evil. But because of people who don’t do anything about it.”

We discussed Truth–and the persecution of those who who tell it like it is–in politics, science, media, art. Jack Kennedy commented:

“If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society must set the artist free to follow his/her vision wherever it takes him/her. We must never forget that art is not a form of propaganda. It is a form of truth.” 

We discussed the bravery and dedication of those on Earth who devote their energies to improving all of humankind–not just the betterment of a chosen few–like in a city hall or a house painted white.

The lovely and fiery Joan of Arc said:

“One life is all we have to live as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are…that is fate more terrible than dying.”

I exclaimed:

“Can I get an Amen!” 

We all jumped to our feet and cheered. And just as I was about to bite into a scrumptious-looking biscotti di cioccolato, I woke up. Curses! Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

The dream made me ponder the concept of telling truth to power. Since I don’t know everything, I googled it. I saw that a dandy way to combat bumbling bureaucracy or malfeasance by government officials and their cronies is to use a tool called satire.

Satire has a simple definition: “A literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn.” I’ve been satirized plenty. Google it.

A reporter from the Outlandia Gazette called me a “goody-two-shoes wearing boring slippers.” Made me laugh–because it’s true. But I choose my footwear to be humble–not like those expensive red leather loafers worn by my predecessors.

And by the way, nothing is satirized more than the many people/denominations of the Christian religion. And guess what? We’re still here! Satire is humor-based. Not fear-based.

Has anyone seen the Broadway musical The Book of Mormon? Holy Moly Mother Cannoli! Lots of bad language. (I admit parts made me laugh.) The point of the play is that religious dogma can sometimes be unholy. Like discrimination of Black people. Or making people refrain from eating meat on Fridays. Seriously, God doesn’t care what’s in your belly. Just your heart.

Like the acceptance or discrimination of the LGBTQ community. This is my main focus now. A lot of work to be done. Hopefully I can make a supreme case for inclusion, equality, and love of all our brothers and sisters before another supreme case is made against it.

Then I plan to address discrimination against the female gender–who I believe are just as qualified intellectually and spiritually to be ordained as priests. You have no idea what resistance I’m getting on that front from old-thinking white men in ecumenical power who appropriated the word ‘patriarchal’–and think it’s a good thing.

But back to satire and its place in truth-telling--as the importance of being able to lampoon those in power cannot be overstated. Even when my own peeps disagree–like the Rogue Valley Association of BuBu Bishops. They sent me several articles by that reporter–the one who punked my shoes. She also wrote that my zucchetto hat reminded her of a cartoon character named Beanie and if I wanted to be more cool I should add a propeller to the top.

I had my personal secretary email her (since my tech skills are pre-Vatican II) that I’ve seen the Smurf outfit she wears when it’s not even Halloween! I signed the email: Father Frankie, Papal Sartorial Authority at the Church of the Immaculate Wisecracking.

You can be assured this reporter is a heathen. But that doesn’t mean the expression of her writing skills warrants censure. Satirical writing is not a crime.

So when I heard that the Ashland Oregon City Council is proposing a “condemnation” of free speech in the United States of all places, I had to intervene. First of all, we get molti moula from the States so don’t screw that up for us with your dumb idea. And second, the world needs less sin — like censorship.

A guy wrote in a sneaky Ashland magazine that the heathen’s article was  “…an unhinged diatribe masquerading as satire…” This is not true. That’s another thing the world needs less of: Lies.

There is no “masquerade” in that article. It is pure satire. Old-thinking white guys tend to bash it. That’s another thing the world needs less of: retaliation against exercising one’s constitutional rights.

Besides, if you call yourselves a “progressive” community and then engage in a reactionary response to punish a valid form of literature, it makes you stark-raving hypocritical. Another thing the world needs less of: hypocrisy.

Another thing the world needs less of: Government officials who serve only the constituents willing to kiss their il culo. In these Covid times, it would be much more hygienic if you instead used a gold and jewel-encrusted ring like I do. But don’t charge the taxpayers for its purchase! Get the “death memorial” guy to pay for it. Doesn’t he owe you guys a BIG favor–as you granted his wishes without even asking the citizens what they thought of the matter?

Just so you know, there are over one billion Catholics in the world. I am prepared to wash the feet of each and every one of them. The least you can do is not dirty up the town for which you have been elected or employed or entrusted to serve. Because there isn’t enough water to hose down the place as Stephen Jensen has siphoned it off onto his property.

Unfortunately I am not able to travel at this time to deliver my sermon in person, hence the epistolary form. But I am sending an emissary–The Pontiff Patrons and Pontiff Choral Club & Band. Their mission is two-fold:

1. To bestow upon Ashlanders a specially-commissioned reproduction of the famous statue Fearless Girl.

 

 

 

She is a reminder to all that standing up to tyranny is a noble act. You don’t even have to be made of bronze to do it.

The statue is to be installed in front of the bandshell in Lithia Park--with the ferocious bull preparing to attack–as a visual metaphor for not backing down to the forces of wrongdoing.

 

 

We requested permission from the citizens of Ashland to make this addition to their beloved park. However, Parks Director Michael Black and Parks&Rec commissioners Mike Gardiner and Jim Lewis said don’t bother–as long as the check is big enough. I am not sure the offering amount we were required to pay–as Popes don’t get involved in financial matters. My personal secretary reported that our ‘donation’ was minuscule compared to the amount the “death memorial” guy paid–making it likely he was hosed–using Stephen Jensen’s water.

2. The Pontiff Choral Club and Band will sing a specially-commissioned parody of two of my favorite songs. It’s a hymn composed especially for you — the unrighteous coterie of elected officials/employed officials/assorted accomplices in Ashland — to appeal to the “better angel” you were all born with before who knows what the hell happened — to cordially invite you to stop wrecking your community and start supporting all humankind.

That’s the party you want to be affiliated with.

The Choral Cub Band members are stand-ins for John, Andy, Stewart, and Sting. I wanted a Stevie stand-in to sing a line like, “Stop draggin’ my town around.” But I was over-ruled by the Vatican not-so-good, really old boys club who disallowed a girl singer in the band. (I thought, there must be singing nuns out there!)

Alas, that idea was scrapped–and proved that even for someone of my institutional stature, you can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need. (Mick was not allowed in the band either. Too much sympathy for the devil.)

In this instance what I need is a way to sermonize to Ashland’s retrograde reprobates in a memorable fashion. What they need is guidance toward ethical behavior and a modern mindset of respect for all regardless of beliefs. Hopefully this works for the both of us. Take it away, fellas!

“Every breath you take,

Every leaf you rake,

Every Douglas tree you forsake,

I’ll be watching you.

Every single day,

Every dishonest sentence you say,

Every citizen you betray,

I’ll be watching you.

And if not me then instant Karma’s gonna get you,

Gonna knock you right on the head

And into the realm of the politically dead.

Gonna knock you off your feet

If you don’t recognize your brothers in everyone you meet.

It’s the people of Ashland who give you your seat.

So every bad thing you think,

Every civic appointment and employee firing that stink,

Every time you corrupt, deceive, and hoodwink,

I’ll be watching you.

Now and forevermore. Amen.”

La canzone fantastico! Grazie Choral Club and Band! And thank you American people of Ashland Oregon for listening!

In closing, I remain, in all frankness, yours truly, yours most sincerely, His holiness and yours, too,

The People’s Pope–Francis

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. Biscotti are way better than Graham Crackers.

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