Toni Buckley Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl
email: fwepub@aol.com
MOTTO: When telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
All editorial All social commentary All for the common good
Issue Number 31 – May 2020
********************
[Part 3 in a 4-part educational series on electoral politics.]
Yo, Ashlanders, LoSho here. Glad to meetcha. Think of me as a cross between Murphy Brown and Lisbeth Salander–only way less glamorous and a tad less scary–but always in pursuit of truth and justice–with the goal of eradicating the too-many jokes in our federal/state/city governments.
When tackling subject matter, I jump in with both feet (usually clad in Converse All-Stars) with dogged determination to get the real story to The People. I specialize in public service and political pieces as I find the wacked-out personalities of many politicians and BuBu’s (Bumbling Bureaucrats) to be quite entertaining. I feel it is my patriotic duty to expose their wacked-out deeds.
After all, some things are funny. Like the ‘solid-gold’ fixtures installed in the mayor’s private lavatory–which cost a pretty penny–but are now rusting because they’re actually made of brass.
And some things just aren’t funny.
Like icky egos. Deception. Ineptitude. Callous disregard for the welfare of The People.
Once when asked the question if he thought illegally firing employees (and then bashing their professional reputations in court proceedings) had a chilling effect on the morale of city hall employees, the mayor replied, “What the hell do I care?”
After exhaustive research, interviews, undercover work, and having friends in high places (many, many flies on the wall)–as well as just plain ol’ listening to the average person on the street–following are my findings about Ashland’s loquacious Mayor Stromberg–or as most of his constituents call him: Jabbering Johnny.
* Was voted by high school classmates as least likely to grown up and be able to balance a checkbook. Not a math whiz. Not an arithmetic whiz either. “Numbers schumbers” as he frequently has been heard to utter.
* Got kicked off his college fraternity Shuffle Board Team because he thought the game was played by shuffling your feet across the boards and not the disc.
* Turned down Stephen King’s offer to buy the rights to his political career to be used as the basis for King’s next horror story. Not because he didn’t want the beaucoup bucks (to be able to spend spend spend). But because he wanted creative control over the movie version to cast Brad Pitt as himself. “Heck, I’m better lookin’ than Dr. Falchi so I think it is perfect typecasting.”
* Thought the recall of the three Parks & Rec commissioners (aka the Huey, Dewey, and Louie of Ashland politics) was a bad idea because it would “hurt their feelings.” Continually tries to convince Ashlanders that old-thinking crony-baloney white males know best and the rest should “just shut up.” Likewise, had zero thoughts on the feelings or career annihilation of the five women from the Senior Center who lost their jobs.
* Thought the previous issue of the Gazette about the Shaw Shit Show was semi-humorous but refused to defend his ally, telling his wife: “Women don’t matter, sweet cheeks. Now what’s for lunch?”
* Role model: Elmer Fudd. Favorite celebrity he would most like to meet: Bernie Madoff–to ask me him how in the heck he got away with the fiscal mismanagement for so dang long.
* Purposely won’t shop at Ashland stores to upgrade his sartorial appearance (K-Mart bargain bin circa 1986) because he thinks the ‘schlub-a-dub-dub ol’-man-in-a tub’ look contributes to his appeal.
* Privately scolded city attorney David Lohman and Parks and Rec Dum-Dum Michael Black numerous times for such things as:
A. Calling a city hall employee a “rabble rouser” and decimating a stellar-functioning Senior Center because it needed “new blood” — which was then replaced with a less-well-functioning Senior Center that was more expensive to operate!
B. Not knowing that allowing an elected official (Mike Gardiner from the Park & Rec Dept.) to interfere with the employment status of a city hall employee was illegal.
“Gosh golly gee, you scwewy wabbits,” Jabbering Johnny said, “those were major league screw-ups.” [Note: Also very costly.] “Any mayor with an ounce of integrity would fire your butts. But honestly, your goofs are so outrageous you make my performance look good by comparison. So keep up the good work, fellas!”
* Called Gov. Kate Brown to ask her to send a freebie batch of N-95 face masks for him and his political tribe to use during this crisis. (If the mayor loses any of his base to the virus, his re-election prospects swirl further down the drain. Same thing if Bond Measure 15-193 loses.)
The call was referred to the governor’s assistant, Letticia–who referred the call to her assistant, Lysandra, who referred the call to her assistant, Lainey, who plugged in the robot named Lexi, who replied in a voice as artificially haughty as possible: “John-ny boy you do not sup-port wo-men so you get nu-thin’!” (By the way, in their off-time, the governor’s support staff moonlights as a punk rock band called “Le-Ly-La-Lex”–performing at clubs in the Salem and Portland areas. I’ve seen them a few times. They’re fantastic–like a cross between Green Day and Sleater-Kinney–only girlier.)
* Was on the cover of BuBu Review magazine–twice–which covers topics such as bureaucratic floundering and blundering. And how to implement a strategy of sexism; cronyism; and hoodwinking.
Incidentally Stromberg loves the name Jabbering Johnny because he thinks it’s a term of endearment. He also believes his loose-lipped logorrhea is the key to his mayoral success.
But honestly, the biggest reason he flaps his gums so much is that he forgets to insert his dentures in the morning. (Shouldn’t someone be reminding him to do that? A Navy valet perhaps? Aren’t there a few on Ashland’s bloated payroll?)
The most interesting thing–in a disturbing way–I uncovered is the reason Mayor Stromberg looks taller when he’s sitting in the chair (i.e., mayoral throne) in his office. He’s sitting on a pillow. But it’s what’s underneath that pillow that elevates him: secretly-commissioned studies (the size of NY City phone books) from major institutions and paid for by Ashland taxpayers in the line item on their utility bills: “Johnny’s Special Fund.” (The real reason Shaw calls Ashland “special”?)
The purpose of these studies is to help Mayor Stromberg enforce his power to stay in office.
For instance, after he wrote the blurb in the Voters’ Pamphlet and his letters to the editor in The Tidings, he commissioned the PEW Research Foundation (People for Ethical Writing) to evaluate the quality of his writing. Their conclusion:
“Too full of illogical arguments, arrogant/manipulative language, and unsubstantiated claims, like implying that Ashland has a large politically-active citizenry, when in fact 93.5% of the population have no inkling what is going on.”
(My conclusion: they’re too busy earning a living, paying bills, taking care of their families, and doing fun stuff that has nothing to do with the soul-sucking consequences of dealing with City Hall.)
Another study hidden under the pillow was from the Association of Fiscally Responsible Peeps Helping Fiscally Impaired Peeps, titled “How to Balance Ashland’s Budget.”
Their recommendations:
1. Whatever Stromberg/Lohman/Shaw/Rosenthal/Jensen/Black/Graham suggest, do the opposite.
2. Eliminate the legal department and contract out legal services on an as-need basis.
The study I found most disturbing was from the the National Institute of Health. The NIH presented a computer model evaluating Ashland’s mental and financial health. For the last ten years the curve has been continuing to slope downward. When you remove the B.B.I. factor (Bad BuBu Influence), the curve zooms upward off the charts!
None of these studies that showcase reality will ever see the light of day. If you wonder why Stromberg never stands up for the truth, he is too busy sitting on his ass to protect himself and his cronies. And that my dear Ashlanders sums up the problem with Ashland’s City Hall.
OK, citizens, that’s my report. I very much enjoyed the time I spent here and adore the vibe, natural beauty, cultural and outdoor activities, and friendliness of your welcoming town. It’s the people of Ashland who are its crown jewels.
Ashland is too cool to be a joke. I’ve done my job. Now it’s your turn.
XOXO!
Your pal,
LoSho.
###
Outlandia Gazette
Toni Dockter – Founder; Publisher; Editor-in-Chief; Distribution Manager; Intrepid Reporter; IT Guy; Coffee Girl